When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Power is the ability to control people or things. So, unless you learn to control your own self first, how would you be able to influence anybody else? Now, doesn’t that apply to all of us?

Live today facing forward—with your back on yesterday, your eyes on tomorrow, and your head and heart in the moment.

There's nothing as 'Wrong' or 'Right'. It's the extent of how our mind can interpret the circumstances.

He was the mildest manner'd man That ever scuttled ship or cut a throat.

The biggest risk I've ever taken is going on American Idol and trying to be myself. I wasn't going to try too hard to conform, and I knew that it could possibly not work out.

If you lose sight of the smaller accomplishments , you end up with an imbalance in your life.

I think I am a very kind person. I think I'm joyful, but I could be kinder and I could be more joyful. I do believe peace is a state of grace, and not the absence of violence.

Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering Mine!Mine!

Read the Bible for the salvation of your soul, not the solution to your problem.

The music stuff is just a hobby.