What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case

If you would be known and not know vegetate in a village if you would know and not be known live in a city.

I owe what is best in my own development to the impression made by Kant's works, the sacred writings of the Hindus, and Plato.

My dear fellow, who will let you?" "That's not the point. The point is, who will stop me?

Every science is a profane restatement of the preceding dogmas of the religious period

Women can explore so much in dressing. But if I was a guy I would wear vintage suits constantly. With crazy ties!

There's always a tension in me between my urge to destroy and my will to live... Every morning I wake up with a new wrath, a new suspiciousness, a new desire to live.

From a monarchy followed by suffering under Communism, Ethiopians must be given the opportunity to flourish under the greatest of systems - democracy.

I don't take myself very seriously. I like to make people laugh. You know, it's like, if a woman can't be happy for another woman's work, they have to go work on that.

My generation will actually be the first generation that is tamer than the one that came before it, and it will probably be poorer; less fun and less money.