What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Peace begins with a greeting of Namaste.

Life goes on and off

Technology allows us to do many things, but it is always important to combine it with traditional handcrafts and, in fact, use technology to replicate dying arts so that they are not lost.

Money has never been my primary goal.

Try not be resentful or jealous of other people's success. Know that your path as a performer is going to be very different than others. Try your best not to compare.

I will not look at another's bowl intent on finding fault: a training to be observed.

It's also show business. It's not "show fun friends".

I already survived one apocalypse, I don't need another.

The heart and mind can find peace and harmony by contemplating the transcendental nature of the true self as supreme effulgent life.

I had just done something in TV, but my real love is theater. I had won this award and I was up at Yale, and I was happy because it came with money.