To see me as a person on screen would be one of the dullest experiences you could ever wish to experience.

You have to live before you die, or you'll die before you live.

There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.

If I can't really find a way to live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to live with me.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

It won't be easy, that is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun.

Conversation like television set on honeymoon... unnecessary.

To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.

The gift of a good story is as infinite as the stars.

If life gets you down.Just try digging a deeper hole.

War is organized murder and torture against our brothers.

Feminism is built on believing women's accounts of sexual use and abuse by men.

I had rather be first in a village than second at Rome.

Never write down your speeches beforehand; if you do, you may perhaps be a good declaimer, but will never be a debater.

The heads of leading American universities say that if they selected applicants based on grades alone, their student bodies would be 100 percent Asian.

What the human eye sees is an illusion of what is real. The black and white image transforms illusions into another reality.

Financial hardships were rough on us, even though Mom had a good job at G.M.

Everyone dies without understanding anything. Thats the way the world works, after all.