They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I predict future happiness for Americans, if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

You can’t turn a sunset into a string of grunts without losing something.

Garry Shandling has always been a pioneer of… meta entertainment. He's always been a defender of the creative right to use the frame as part of the painting.

Live in a cosmic ocean, singing sweet hallucinations, dreams of many worlds, all flowing into one.... inner / outer mirrored love.

People use so much more health care when they live longer.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

If knowledge is power and power is knowledge, then how so many idiots be graduating from college?

It is infinitely easier to suffer in obedience to a human command than to accept suffering as free, responsible men.

Simplicity before understanding is simplistic; simplicity after understanding is simple.

I wanted to say something brilliant. My God, Holmes, how did you know the zombie was hiding in the flower pot? But I couldn't lie.