They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?

Archaeology digs the Bible’s grave.

Costume jewelry is not made to give women an aura of wealth, but to make them beautifu

It takes two to manage the relationship, but it takes one to begin the change.

It is not merely cruelty that leads men to love war it is excitement.

Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster, such as sudden global nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or other dangers we have not yet thought of.

When you say if you have faith in America, I think it's the faith in the fact that we're going to end up changing the country, because if we don't, this country's in big trouble.

Not only around our infancy Doth heaven with all its splendors lie; Daily, with souls that cringe and plot, We Sinais climb and know it not.

When everything around you seems bleak, sick and empty - the antidote is forgiveness and love of yourself, and others, plus a dollop of gratitude.

Endure and save yourselves for happier times.