There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Worrying about what happened on Monday, or, what might happen on Wednesday, is at the expense of one’s Tuesday.

If you take it step by step, you shall least miss a step!

When you control their water, you control the people.

Thunderstorms and rainbows wrapped together in a convenient pocket-sized parcel.

Most of the utopian community ideas actually are religious. They're based more on the idea of the monastery than the commune.

I could have rolled the ball up there against Musial, and he would have pulled out a golf club and hit it out.

Knew I how to pray, to intercede for your [broken] Foot were intuitive - but I am but a Pagan.

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me young love murder, that is what this must be I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

It is a very rare thing for a man of talent to succeed by his talent.

The worship of youth has diminished - perhaps generally - in recent years.