There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

In societies that profess some respect for law, suspects are apprehended and brought to fair trial. I stress 'suspects.'

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Technology has become as ubiquitous as the air we breathe, so we are no longer conscious of its presence.

I would destroy the city if something happened to you. I can't even bear the thought of it.

[My grandmother] is a typical white person.

Life-transforming ideas have always come to me through books.

The main thing I believe in is freedom.

I sit with the intention to write a record.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Our goal is to find an outstanding business at a sensible price, not a mediocre business at a bargain price.