The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

By the Angel, it just crushed Sophocles, " noted Will. "Has no one respect for the classics these days?

Language has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone and the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone.

We must continue to prove to the world that we can provide a rising standard of living for all men without loss of civil rights or human dignity to any man.

It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error.

The literary critic, or the critic of any other specific form of artistic expression, may detach himself from the world for as long as the work of art he is contemplating appears to do the same.

Reality is our best friend - everything indicates that nuclear power should be used more.

The Bush Administration claims there is a Social Security crisis only to distract Americans from its serious mismanagement of the federal budget.

If we want to make meetings productive, we need to keep track of those whose requests are on the table.

The great thing about film is you start and finish. It's a journey that lasts so long, TV lasts a long time.

Harold and Maude' was a seminal movie for me because it's not only a beautiful love story, but it's also about the moment when misfits find each other.