Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.

How little do my countrymen know what precious blessings they are in possession of, and which no other people on earth enjoy!

All the problems of the nation are nothing, in comparison to the might of God

Saying "yes" to yourself means acknowledging what you have that's good and working on the things that aren't.

Some of the technologies that were created during the Industrial Revolution were appalling, such as capitalization, investment, social hierarchy, sexism, racism, and ecological destruction.

The people are urged to be patriotic ... by sacrificing their own children. Patriotism requires allegience to the flag, which means obedience and readiness to kill father, mother, brother, sister.

I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire.

I don't feel particularly attached to Israel - 'nationalism,' as Noam Chomsky said, 'is not my cup of tea' - but I feel no particular need to demonize it.

Occasional kindness does not cancel out cruelty. Hitting is never acceptable under any circumstances.

They say it's the white man I should fear, But it's my own kind doin' all the killin' here.