You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

The greatest education is the knowledge of God. God gives life, strength and wisdom for every accomplishment.

When I am, you are not.

The simplest way to learn business is to study your competition and improve what they are offering.

It was just the human story again, flowing through me as it did through everyone else, and I'd mistaken it as my own.p 284

A century is about events. A decade is about people.

What really matters is not just our own winning but helping other people to win, too.

I want to stay in the habit of 'glancing' at my problems and 'gazing' at my Lord.

Lots of narcissistic people have helped lots of other people with their music. That's such a narcissistic thing to say! Ha ha!

It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other.

I want to give you back your first kiss, the one that jerk stole from you. And I want it to be something that even a coma can't make you forget.