Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

Creative people depend on the generosity and graces of strangers.

Once you get in shape, you'll be amazed at how many other goals you'll want to achieve in your life. Fitness breeds enthusiasm.

Thailand has good medical care and even though I haven't tried it, Singapore is said to have high quality care also.

The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary

A very Merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear.

I am alone, but never lonely. You have always books around you.

If I could walk into the 'Friends' audition again and go or not go, I have to say it's 50-50.

The music industry doesn't exist the way it used to. You'll never have another star like the stars of the '90s.

The human being is constantly torn from calm and peace of simple existence by two things; wanting what you don't have, or disliking what you have.

I did not believe what I was told about being poor and black and female in Mississippi in 1954.