Doug Benson Quotes

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.

Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.

The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

Willem Dafoe is a shithead.

Any comedic entertainment is better when you get high.

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

[Ryan Reynolds] has had stabs at it like Just Friends. He's really fun in that.

I was immediately into all the great movie comedians - Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder. Everything those guys had anything to do with, from I don't know how young. Super young.

There's a lust to get on TV.

I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard thing of just moving without much money and just seeing if I could make it work.

A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me, I would up my pot consumption just to make that happen.

It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I'm telling a lot of jokes about it.

P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.

J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject.

I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.

Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?

Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.

It's fun playing the judge, because I grew up on all the courtroom stuff in movies and TV. So, you know all the tropes, and you know all the expressions.

I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.

[Deadpool] is definitely squirm-inducing. It's a pretty hard R, violence-wise. But cartoony, also. Maybe fast-forward through to torture scenes.

I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.

[Ryan Reynolds] is my favorite [ on Top Gear] - I think he's the most hilarious actor who just has not been able to catch a break in terms of being known as the most hilarious actor.

The motion picture Deadpool was my favorite funny movie of [2016]. Something that I could just watch over and over again, because it's just so... he says so many things.

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.

I enjoy Modern Family very much. Good TV program. I don't know why. I just find that so many of the jokes land. So many of the actors are so great. Phil Dunphy is one of my favorite characters ever.

Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.