The reason educational spending in Texas is so low is because you don't have a state tax there, and that's why Texas is big growth because you don't tax people to death.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

The psychology of the change is that “People like to change, but do not want to be changed and there is the difference.

Great men look greater than yesterday.

To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's.

I'm a novelist first, and I wrote a bunch of books, and everything I write, I just find people are more interesting when there's an element of humor to it.

With growing experience, all skillful commanders sought to profit by the power of the defensive, even when on the offensive.

Darkness is cheap, and Scrooge liked it.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

It's true that nothing in this world makes us so necessary to others as the affection we have for them.

When you get to the big leagues, you need to take potential and turn it into performance. You want to be the guy who got the most out of his ability, not the guy who never fulfilled his potential.

The island Mayo is generally barren, being dry, as I said; and the best of it is but a very indifferent soil.