The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Don't beg for platforms, build your platform.

Whenever the people are well-informed, they can be trusted with their own government.

It's not what you want in this life, it's what you get that you have to do with.

Nothing like fear to wash your mind clean.

I forced myself to picture the last moments. The penultimate breath. A final sigh. And yet. It was always followed by another.

Each human being has the right to two blessings, which are: the blessing to do right, and the blessing to err. In the latter case, there is always a path of learning leading to the right way.

Now here's a funky introduction of how nice I am Tell your mother, tell your father, send a telegram.

Better Dancing makes Better Lovers

Sleeping we imagine what awake we wish; D ogs dream of bones, and fishermen of fish.

My dad has had a rare form of leukemia since I was in about 7th grade.