The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Very evil people cannot really be imagined dying.

The solid earth sways like the treacherous sea beneath the feet of men and spirits alike when the innocent are slain in the name of law, and their wrongs are undone by slandering the pure of heart.

War paralyzes your courage and deadens the spirit of true manhood.

Whenever there is fear, you will get wrong figures.

Belief releases creative powers.

No place could be less sympathetic to my politics than America.

We want...as soon as possible to see a majority of the Republican Party in the hands of pro-family Christians by 1996.

Writing, for me, is the best occupation I can think of, and there is nothing in the world I would rather do.

I don't want to be looked at. I really want to be a home body.

Let those be thy choicest companions who have made Christ their chief companion.