That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Birth and death were easy. It was life that was hard.

Narcissists only play for their own business, whereas Distortionists play with other’s business only to gain personal advantage. If you are both, then you aren’t an entrepreneur.

Men under stress are fools, and fool themselves.

When everything belongs to everyone, nobody will take care of anything.

BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle - and not just in the sense of money, by the way. The Beatles are untouchable. That’s just a joke.

You have to get up and plant the seed and see if it grows, but you cant just wait around, you have to water it and take care of it.

People now feel time accelerating. Lists allow them to feel some sense of accomplishment.

Penetrate the heart of just one drop of water, and you will be flooded by a hundred oceans.

To be truthful, Jay-Z wouldn't have a quarter of the records sold today if it wasn't for the white people buying his records.