Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Sound unbound by nature becomes bounded by art.

With courage, confidence and commitment, the dream is possible.

Examine your heart and put away any distraction so you can worship God freely.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to baby-sit.

A speculator is a man who observes the future, and acts before it occurs.

I buy records - vinyl. I have a record player at home.

Maybe it's every kid's dream to go into a pod and come out looking like Captain America. And you don't even have to exercise or lift weights! It's great!

The quest for precision is analogous to the quest for certainty and both - precision and certainty are impossible to attain.

The only thing on my mind right now is trying to win the whole thing.

The observant Jew has his own sense of values. Torah Judaism is his blueprint for this life, his target for existence.