Some people are mean, and when you look at their page, they only write mean things, but I have a great time with a twitter person. It's not even to promote myself, just to entertain me.

I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

People entertain me more than I entertain them.

No one can tell you what your life is goin to be, can they?No. It's never like what you expected.Quijada nodded. If people knew the story of their lives how many would then elect to live them?

Kindness is a language more often misunderstood than taken at face value.

If there's anything worse than a woman living alone, it's a woman saying she likes it.

Work alone will efface the footsteps of work.

Everything I had read in the fields of fiction and science led me to a single, dark conclusion. Humans are screwed, and so is our planet.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

Mystical power, as you know, has a whole different flavor to it. It's much more raucous at times; it's much more poignant at times. It involves more of the emotional body.

The thing about summer is, I think it is pretty easy to dress comfortably, like I tend to gravitate more toward flowy, easy pieces. When summer comes around, I am definitely dressing for comfort.

Prudence must not be expected from a man who is never sober. [Lat., Non est ab homine nunquam sobrio postulanda prudentia.]

The only real help is self-help. Anything else is just designed to get you to the point where you can help yourself.