I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

Some people are mean, and when you look at their page, they only write mean things, but I have a great time with a twitter person. It's not even to promote myself, just to entertain me.

People entertain me more than I entertain them.

You could die, " she whispered. "Everything dies, " he whispered back. "I'm afraid of so much more than dying.

Men would live exceedingly quiet if these two words, mine and thine, were taken away.

Bible reading is an education in itself.

An entrepreneur is someone that steals office supplies from home and brings them to work.

The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.

Looking the part helps get the chance to fill it. But if you fill the part, it matters not if you look it.

I want to see the thirst inside the syllables I want to touch the fire in the sound: I want to feel the darkness of the cry. I want words as rough as virgin rocks.” - Verb.

The true business of every company is to make and keep customers.

Duty, then is the sublimest word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more; you should never wish to do less.

All names mean something.