I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.

I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

Some people are mean, and when you look at their page, they only write mean things, but I have a great time with a twitter person. It's not even to promote myself, just to entertain me.

People entertain me more than I entertain them.

Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof.

I look forward to my first visit to Israel. Music is a universal language that is meant to unify audiences in peace and love, and that is the spirit of our show.

Men pay most attention to what is their own: they care less for what is common; or, at any rate, they care for it only to the extent to which each is individually concerned.

Good people are happy when something good happens to someone else.

People who ask confidently get more than those who are hesitant and uncertain. When you've figured out what you want to ask for, do it with certainty, boldness and confidence.

It's good that I managed to hoodwink so many people. I am actually not that nice a person.

I've always looked for the perfect life to step into. I've taken all the paths to get where I wanted.But no matter where I go, I still come home me.

Analogy cannot serve as proof.

The real meaning of courage was the personal sacrifice of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King.

The child is father of the man: And I could wish my days to be Bound each to each by natural piety.