I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

Some people are mean, and when you look at their page, they only write mean things, but I have a great time with a twitter person. It's not even to promote myself, just to entertain me.

People entertain me more than I entertain them.

Switch over to the right channel in your life --- positive attitude, right kind of food, right people and positive conversations.

I read a picture not for what's really going on there, I read it more for what is going on in our world generally.

Barbarian invasions would be superfluous: We are our own Huns.

When you look at what people consider success in the music industry, it's just terrible music.

Pity can be nearsighted and condescending; shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing.

She never sets foot out of her apartment or her past.

It's harder being a woman director because on the whole women don't have husbands or boyfriends who are willing to be wives

Trust your heart rather than your head.

In 1937, President Franklin Roosevelt reminded us that the Constitution is, and I quote, "a layman's document, not a lawyer's contract."

I can't wait to be back on the dance floor. I feel really good about it.