Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Someday you will wake up feeling 51 percent happy and slowly, molecule by molecule, you will feel like yourself again.

The original stories are mined out, and all that’s left is fool’s gold.

That's who unconditional love is for - dogs and their masters, fools and their gods.

Americans are finally realizing that once you lose land, you can't get it back.

Curiosity is one of the strongest human incentives

I'm not what you call your basic intellectual.

Few have heard of Fra Luca Pacioli, the inventor of double-entry bookkeeping; but he has probably had much more influence on human life than has Dante or Michelangelo.

This was the truth at the core of my existence: this yawning emptiness, scantily clad in rage. It had been there all along.

Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited.

The only way to end war is communication between people.