Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Without love life will be barren field.

When life gives you lemons, the best thing to do is make orange juice and let the rest of the world stand back and wonder how you did it." -Unknown

All Knights must bleed. Blood is the seal of our devotion.

There is so much partisan and tribal politics, from not just those seeking office but potential voters as well, that we never get real attempts at solutions to problems.

Chess-players are so unsociable, they are no company for any but themselves.

God cannot be less than Himself. And God is good. And active. And faithful. And He cares.

When I was at college - that was the first time I tried singing. I played in a band, and people seemed to like it.

Work sustains us as bodies and it consumes a great deal of energy. The conservation of energy is the component theme of Buddhist practice and yoga. That is why people live in monasteries.

I can't believe what you say, because I see what you do.

I wouldn't say it's a done deal yet, by any means. I think there are a lot of people who feel like their lives depend on decisions that are going to be made in this election [2016].