People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Griping is for those without a plan of action...

she had known the consequences when she took off, but for whatever reason, she left anyway.

Baseball life is a tough life on the family.

Caesar was a man of great common sense and good taste, meaning thereby a man without originality or moral courage.

I wanted my children to have the best combination: American circumstances and Chinese character. How could I know these things do not mix?

I come from a long line of matriarchal women, and my greatest teachers were my mothers.

Markets look a lot less efficient from the banks of the Hudsonthan the banks of the Charles.

I was given a tremendous gift in terms of athleticism. Maybe it was because I wasn't so confident in other areas.

Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive.

I can't cry on demand. I need to feel what I'm feeling. I can't just say, 'Give me a moment' and then cry.