PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects.

I read everyday, because reading takes me away, away to a place where nothing is impossible.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

Force works on servile natures, not the free.

God can use a sensitive Christian to be a rich blessing in the life of one who knows pain and sorrow.

I can't afford a whole new set of enemies.

Poor is the power of the lead that becomes bullets compared to the power of the hot metal that becomes types.

Natural gas is hemispheric; I like to call it hemispheric in nature, because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.

The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered.