Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

Improvement is always on the schedule for tomorrow. Change is always taking place some time in the future. It’s human nature.

If the most connected we’ve ever felt with another person was in that brief moment of apology and regret after physical abuse, then we’ll seek that abuse for the rest of our lives.

It was a sacrifice worthy of her and dreams are made to be killed.

Do you know the difference between a beautiful woman and a charming one? A beauty is a woman you notice, a charmer is one who notices you.

This is definitely a reality check for us, we've just got to learn from this and move on.

A kiss on the nose does much toward turning aside anger.

This doctrine of transmigration or reincarnation of the soul is found among many tribes of savages

If the cost of figuring out whether to do something is more than just doing it, then just do it!

Donald Trump is a great listener, and he's a good challenger. He doesn't come across as a person who thinks he knows it all. In fact, he once told me he has had lot of things to learn.

The beauty of literature is you allow readers to see things through other peoples eyes. All good books do this.