Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

Still, if I don't believe in the possibility, I might go mad from fear.

I was pretty good at picking up new languages when I was little, but it's not like I had superpowers or anything.Kids just have an easier time with words.

When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse, he understands his own badness less and less.

The greatest source of security our children have in this world is a God-honoring, Christ-centered marriage between their parents.

As short as life is, your decisions and actions could still make it shorter. Always think about consequences before taking actions.

The trouble with the younger generation is that they don't stay young for very long.

You can keep it a secret.... But secrets have their own weight, and it can be a very heavy one.

There are three steps you have to complete to become a professional dancer: learn to dance, learn to perform, and learn how to cope with injuries.

She wanted, with her fickleness, to make my destruction constant; I want, by trying to destroy myself, to satisfy her desire.

The song Venus de Milo, the whole subject of it is Love is a drug.