My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I'm doing four hours of gymnastics training a day, six days a week and then an extra two to three hours in a fitness center as well.

You sure you don’t want me to stay? I’ll make you coffee and ask you about your day.

There is a vast frontier that's going to take us a while to understand... it was very lunar, a very desolate place, isolated.

Unto each man comes a day when his favorite sins all forsake him, And he complacently thinks he has forsaken his sins.

I just want to keep America safe. Who could be against that?

For me, before I learned how to read I was really interested in story and in landscape and nature. I decided to become a writer almost as soon as I learned to read.

Oh never star Was lost here but it rose afar.

The expansion of choice has become an explosion of choice.

I like Jeremy Scott, and he has some really dope sneakers.