My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

The wise are silent, the foolish speak, and the children are thus led astray, for wisdom is not knowledge, it is a realization of the scheme and of one's own part in it.

Oh, darling, let your body in, let it tie you in, in comfort.

Temper, if ungoverned, governs the whole man.

Write a book you'd like to read. If you wouldn't read it, why would anybody else? Don't write for a perceived audience or market. It may well have vanished by the time your book's ready.

I couldn't imagine being from a country where all the pressure is on a particular player.

Be ready for love when it does come. Prepare the field and be ready to nourish love. Be loving, and you will be lovable. Be open and receptive to love.

By her shining and her power he knew her.

I believe that all people living together in unity is one of the most important messages we can teach our children.

I asked a man in prison once how he happened to be there and he said he had stolen a pair of shoes. I told him if he had stolen a railroad he would be a United States Senator.

We can't repay our good luck with bad grace. It invites darkness.