Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

If you are fortunate enough to enjoy great success, you should never forget the spirit of the beginner, and not grow indolent and arrogant.

Love brings you closer to yourself

Every man is capable of doing good to another, but to contribute to the happiness of an entire society is to become akin to the gods

There is a time when we must firmly choose the course we will follow or the relentless drift of events will make the decision for us.

In the hands of food manufacturers, cheese has become an 'ingredient.'

Stories aren't the beauty of what did happen. They're the beauty of what could happen.

Time is a perishable commodity.

O God, the creature knows not to what end Thou hast made Him; teach him, and write in the depths of his soul that the clay must suffer itself to be shaped at the will of the potter.

Soldiering is a very important profession, is it not?

We do not have the luxury of despair right now. There is too much at stake, for too many people.