My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Do what you do only for God's sake, start for God's sake, work for God's sake, and act within the sphere of God's good approval.

Create your best life with your consciously chosen thoughts, words, and actions.

Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared.

Some people need significance more than they need another person. Change will only happen in a relationship when you realize it is not the person, but the "emotion" you desire.

It is impossible to be a follower of Christ while denying, disregarding, discrediting, and disbelieving the words of Christ.

A God all mercy is a God unjust.

Truth alone can stand the guns of criticism.

My religious belief teaches me to feel as safe in battle as in bed. God has fixed the time for my death. I do not concern myself about that, but to be always ready, no matter when it may overtake me.

I must make a choice every time I speak a sentence in English. I try to choose the happier way of saying things, so that my own words will not weigh me down like stones.

God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows