My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

The public is not to see where power lies, how it shapes policy, and for what ends. Rather, people are to hate and fear one another.

Let there be a door to thy mouth, that it may be shut when need arises, and let it be carefully barred, that none may rouse thy voice to anger, and thou pay back abuse with abuse.

It was a great escape for me and it was a way to take a break from what was going on in my own world, to go into another world.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Moral prejudices are the stopgaps of virtue; and, as is the case with other stopgaps, it is often more difficult to get either out or in through them than through any other part of the fence.

The only intelligence investing is value investing...to acquire more than one is paying for.

Through Saansad Adarsh Gram Yojana, we want to give impetus to Demand driven development model instead of Supply driven development model. Let the villages say what has to be done, and what not.

There is no class of people in the world, who have such good memories as creditors.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

Pure souls, didn’t I tell you not to be seduced by this colorful world for I am the Ultimate Painter.