My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

IF YOUR JOB IS CUSTOMER SATISFACTION, YOUR REAL JOB TITLE IS PROBLEM SOLVER.

Remember that the subconscious mind has determined the success and wonderful achievements of all great scientific workers.

Using, as an excuse, others' failure of common sense is in itself a failure of common sense.

It is amazing how many hints and guides and intuitions for living come to the sensitive person who has ears to hear what his body is saying.

Keep on dreaming boy cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die.

If you go to a building to skate, or if you go to these places to skate, you're told it's against the law in some cities. It's definitely a bummer. It's unfortunate.

The only thing I won't do is theater.