I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

Hard work without purpose seldom leads to success.

Love is you. Love is calling you. Life is awaiting you. Go forth and live fully. Be whomever you are. Define you.

A writer who hasn't written anything worth-while is a most doubtful person.

A man can have no greater honour than to be accepted by God as an able Minister of the gospel

I never give up on my players, and I'll never give up on people.

Begin: To have commenced is half the deed. Half yet remains; Begin again on this and thou wilt finish all.

As we come to know God better, we will also find it easier to know, follow, and accept His will for our life.

A little alarm now and then keeps life from stagnation.

What is the value of any political freedom, but as a means to moral freedom?

The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she's there, but nobody wants to talk about her.