Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

It is my belief that almost anyone can be had with breadcrumbs. For if you leave a trail of the right variety, your prey will come straight to you.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

A great many people who spend their time mourning over the brevity of life could make it seem longer if they did a little more work.

If I'm in ya starting five you will never need a sub and I'm never looking down, so I always know what's up.

A woman's health is her capital.

I always saw myself as a singer-songwriter, a solo-artist, that's why working with other artists was never satisfying for me.

He is rich who wishes no more than he has.

Most of my stories are ideas in action. In other words, I get a concept, and I let it run away. I find a character to act out the idea. And then the story takes care of itself.

If you wait until you have to change, you may have waited too long.

I always try to make the setting fit the story I have in mind.