As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

I would be content if I had nothing but a tape-recorder. I could still write songs and record them

To be used of God. Is there anything more encouraging, more fulfilling? Perhaps not, but there is something more basic: to meet with God.

Liberty is the most jealous and exacting mistress that can beguile the brain and soul of man.

The United Nations is proud to have the Adopt-A-Minefield Campaign as a partner.

Directing is about as visual as I get and I will leave artmaking to the rest of the family.

How can we help my kids step into the shoes of another child?

I only said 'Titanic' is unwatchable because one can not watch it.

Audition is the worst thing. It's like cleaning furniture in a department store.

A man knows his companion in a long journey and a little inn.