Life is a zero sum game.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Never leap into battle, when you may come quietly to victory at a walk.

By buying the power of the workman, the capitalist has, therefore, acquired the right to use of make that labouring power during the whole day or week.

Every State is a dictatorship.

What we should be asking is not whether we need a big government or small government, but how we can create a smarter and better government.

I've used the laws of the country to my advantage.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

The greater the kindred is, the lesse the kindnesse must bee.

Literally, my last call was with David Blaine, congratulating him on his show. I have a camaraderie with David.

There is no devil in the universe except mankind's own inharmonious thoughts & feelings, both individual and enmass.