It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.

Western civilization is a loaded gun pointed at the head of this planet.

In North America ice was smaller because in Russia we have big ice and this is small ice and it's a more physical game. Russia has more technicals and this has more speed and is a more physical game.

WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

Happy the soul that has been awed by a view of God's majesty

I just keep going. When the water's too still, I start splashing around and things jump out of the water.

The only people that ever stand up and tell the truth are who? Intelligence officers. Because our culture is, never break faith with the truth. We'll tell you, you don't have to drag it out of us.

In my view what you can't argue for is a system that is neither decisive nor proportional and can be indecisive and disproportionate at the same time.

Avoid the ecstatic adjectives that occupy such disproportionate space in every critic's quiver - words like "enthralling" and "luminous."