It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

He advised that I could invest in stocks to make money. Given that I have a negative balance, that was where the conversation stopped.

Life is so fresh, life is every day so new if we are fighting, only for the best. Sometimes I think the only real satisfaction in life is failure, failure in your endeavor to do your best.

I don't think it's necessarily healthy to go into relationships as a needy person. Better to go in with a full deck.

Globalisation makes it clear that social responsibility is required not only of governments, but of companies and individuals. All sources must interact in order to reach the MDGs.

There is no god, not a god who would create the things I saw

An individual deficient in the sense of humor represents more of a challenge to our idea of the human than a person of subnormal intelligence

In our culture, we grow up thinking that failure is a terrible thing, that it's a setback, or worse, the end. Often it turns out to be the beginning of something better.

Oh! To not need cognitive justification for every single thing. Wouldn't that be a life?

Strangely, I feel that I become increasingly reclusive in my normal life and more open and candid in my music.

Our Parliamentary system has simply failed to meet the challenge of judicial activism.