In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

If knowledge is lacking, your destruction is inevitable. Hosea 4:6

Among all the tests President Obama faced in his first term, his biggest failure was climate change.

I was born on a farm. My strength has nothing to do with political apparatus. I get my strength from nature, from flowers.

You have to track every single thing you eat if you want to keep posting big numbers on the scale each week.

Hillary Clinton doesn't look presidential.

God clarifies in the midst of obedience, not beforehand.

I find that if I pray for the people I'm most angry with, my anger turns into something more redemptive.

She fell into the moody, miserable state of mind which often comes when strong wills have to yield to the inevitable.

I hope that one or two immortal lyrics will come out of all this tumbling around.

If you feel very deeply about something, it's not possible to sacrifice your integrity about that.