If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I've done my best, and I begin to understand what is meant by 'the joy of strife'. Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing.

Because I get nervous all the time. It's weird but I think it's fun and it's refreshing. It's always good to be that way. That keeps me appreciative of everything.

I don't like women who follow fashion in the sense of becoming victims of it. I like women who have elegance, who have allure, who use fashion, rather than the other way around.

The best teachers coach their students and the best coaches are great teachers.

The only liberty an inferior man really cherishes is the liberty to quit work, stretch out in the sun, and scratch himself.

Some people find oil. Others don't.

Yeah, I mean I'm a water sign. I'm a Pisces.

Sloth, not ill-will, makes me unjust.

When you create something you leave little crumbs of stuff that you've experienced or music that you've listened to.

The beauty of jazz is that it's malleable. People are addressing it to suit their own personalities.