When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

We are all innocent, until we die.

He hated this feeling of free-floating, just drifting from place to place, thought to thought, without any sense of anchor or root.

Slavery remains rife, the shackles are just different. Labels and desires have replaced the cuffs and chains.

I guess it’s always romantic when two people fall in love.... Even if it turns out not to be real.

No more tomorrows. Today is the day.

Flaubert was right when he said that our use of language is like a cracked kettle on which we bang out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we need to move the very stars to pity.

For me, it's good to have those dissimilar modes of songwriting sit side-by-side on a record, because they yield such different results.

My next door neighbor's two dogs have created more shovel-ready jobs than this current administration.

Professor,” Harry gasped. “Your bird — I couldn’t do anything — he just caught fire —

The difference between the university graduate and the autodidact lies not so much in the extent of knowledge as in the extent of vitality and self-confidence.