If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

Loving you was hard, wanting you was harder, but kissing your forehead was insanity.

I thank you for calling them off, young ser. I promise you, they would have found me indigestible.

everybody say's that blue eyed is a freak, but i say that my blue is unique!

I would like to meet Mikhail Gorbachev. I think it would be great to sit in a room with him...and try to make peace.

Dieting by portion control doesnt work because one is constantly fighting addictive drives.

Exterminate the 50 million Vietnamese and purify the masses of the [Cambodian] people.

Happiness is where you start from rather than where you go. God, I sound like Yoda.

Sometimes, you have to go through a phase whether you like it or not.

I think you only hold U.S. Opens on great courses.

I came from a very poor family and my main dream in life was to break out of this poverty.