When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

i am not oxytocin but i will try to become, because I am Live In oxytocin Society

To deceive oneself is worse than to deceive others." These harsh words pierced me to the core.

Holiness, not happiness, is the chief end of man.

The person I liked the best was Gerald R. Ford. He was the most decent man in politics I ever had any relationships with.

Donald was one of the people who rooted for the housing crisis. He said, back in 2006, gee, I hope it does collapse because then I can go in and buy some and make some money. Well, it did collapse.

But think that we Are but turned aside to sleep.

Censorship is the height of vanity.

If a child is not listening, don't despair. Time and truth are on your side. At the right moment, your words will return as if from heaven itself. Your testimony will never leave your children.

There's such an advantage to being involved in the day-to-day details of each other's lives. It's a marvelous fabric to exist in.

I would love to find myself in a position where I have to decide, "Gosh, do I want to be on a series?"