I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

You are all Buddhas. There is nothing you need to achieve. Just open your eyes.

The difference, so observable in men's understandings and parts, does not arise so much from their natural faculties, as acquired habits.

I've played a lot in Las Vegas in my life.

I'm not intimidated by lead roles. I'm better in them. I don't feel pressure. I feel released at times like that. That's what I'm born to do.

The only thing that lasts longer than a friend's love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.

We are offering to the American public a line of delicious Italian-American foods. They will be available through the Internet, shopping networks and national store distribution.

Cases of genocide carried out as policy may be found in historical documents as well as in the oral histories of Indigenous communities.

Prejudices in disfavor of a person fix deeper, and are much more difficult to be removed, than prejudices in favor.

the chicken's still dancing the chicken won't stop

Any idea that turns out to be truly great can be harvested for tens of years. On the other hand, if you want to continue to be great, you've got to bet on new things, big, bold bets.