If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

For I have known them all already, known them all—Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

Everything is nothing.

I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on.

Russia is a mafia state today, and Putin is its top godfather.

Fashion is much more than product. It's about entertainment and people feeling a part of something.

I'm trying to be in the moment and really enjoy my pregnancy. I feel really lucky.

I was neither black enough for the black kids or Dominican enough for the Dominican kids. I didn't have a safe category.

You need people who score goals. That's how you win games

His whole aspect was that of a man who has unexpectedly been struck by lightning.

Men are seldom more commonplace than on supreme occasions.