Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

You remarked once in a fit of pique you had made me famous. You were wrong, my dear. You have made me.

Let me assure you that my intent is not to offend or merely be provocative. I'm simply worried.

The library is seen as a force for self improvement and the pursuit of knowledge. I fear that in many cases this is no longer true, if it ever was.

With chemicals, it's shoot first and ask questions later.

God gave me you for the ups and downs and days of doubts.

I already shot my wad on the Protestants!

You should be treating yourself like you are your own best friend.

It's very hard to predict what people are thinking.

It belongs to the imperfection of everything human that man can only attain his desire by passing through its opposite.

We should never become despondent because the weather is bad, nor should we turn triumphalist because the sun shines.