If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A little bunny or some kind of ferret was probablythere too, and bore witness as only rodents can.

When the moon is shining the cripple becomes hungry for a walk

The werewolf pointed at a bench next to the door into the Kirkwoods’ tomb. “Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

Although this may be a most difficult thing, if one will do it, it can be done. There is nothing that one should suppose cannot be done.

You'll hear a lot of applause in your life, but none will mean more to you than that applause from your peers. I hope each of you hears that at the end.

I do think it is important to look at the writing as a job though and to commit to it like you'd have to commit to a regular nine-to-five.

A good opening and a good ending make for a good film provided they come close together.

Most people are more comfortable with what is familiar. I’ve spent my life doing the opposite.

What is an Extraordinary Life? A life of meaning, a magnificent life, a life of joy, happiness, love, passion, success, and fulfillment. Life experienced on your terms.

A dream itself is but a shadow.