I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

It ended sadly. The kind of ending where you wait together, holding hands and weeping, while off in another room, love slowly dies.

Don't take too much comfort in the fact that you're successful today because tomorrow could bring failure. There's no surety in life.

Sometimes going in for a hard tackle generates a louder cheer than a great pass.

A lot of people question my image and why I do what I do, and the answer is because this is how I want to present myself.

Some may believe we're on the road to the Hitler youth.

It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.

At what age should one marry? As a rule of thumb, perhaps not until you are past the age of feeling strongly that you must marry.

A rising economic tide is bad for people who live off of the poverty of others.

When I get the ball, for some reason I see holes. I'm not really sure how.

But I am chained to Time, and cannot thence depart!